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CHAPTER XIII Faith of a Child
The morning broke bright and happy the next day, as we made ready to journey yet again.
Joanna, ever the concerned mother to us all, commanded and directed to make sure that we were adequately provisioned. She even adjusted Jesus' robe and kissed his cheek and said, "You remember to keep warm, young man. You may be God's Son, but you can still catch a cold and run a fever." Jesus smiled tolerantly, then gave her a warm, affectionate hug. Abishag darted about excitedly and wagged her tail so hard her whole back end wiggled. She always seemed to know when we were making for another journey, this time to Judea. We would be on the road for several days.
At length, we were on our way, road dust rising from the movement of our entourage. There were sixteen of us for this trip. The twelve, Matthias, James, the Lord's brother and I, and of course, Jesus. As it is among men who like to talk, it wasn't long before voices started to get loud and an argument ensued.
It happened like this: James, because he was the brother of Jesus, always seemed to consider himself the most privileged among us'even though he was not among the chosen apostles. Perhaps he thought of himself above the apostles. In any case, James never let us forget that since he grew up with Jesus, he was the one most credentialed to manage our affairs and be the general leader of the group as "second" in command.
After the death of Jesus, James did emerge to be become a chief leader among the apostles. Paul even accorded James this honor. But, of course, Paul considered himself to be numbered among the apostles as well. He established his own criteria for apostleship'which did not include, notably, that one had to have been with Jesus since his baptism. But, as we shall see, who was what and how one got there was not something that captivated the mind of Jesus. Still, James' arrogance grated on the nerves of all of us, and I suppose because of his natural leadership qualities, or perhaps, he felt his leadership threatened, it hit Peter the hardest.
As we began our travel for that day, James remarked, "We shall head south and stop first at Magdala and then on to Tiberias. It's the shortest distance."
Peter looked at him with a "here we go again" exasperation in his expression and said, "I think we should take the route around the northern end of the sea and stop first at Bethsaida. The road is better and, even though it's a bit farther, will take less time. Besides, there are good fishing spots along the roadside."
"Simon," James rejoined, "We don't have to think of fishing all the time. There are other things and other ways to consider. All things considered, fisherman, the southern shore is better for all concerned. We will head south." Like Jesus, James was, of course, a carpenter.
"Of course, my captain," said Peter with sarcasm, "we are all highly skilled in those 'all things considered' of which you speak. Perhaps a carpenter's son would be more than happy to provide us with food and shelter with his amazing expertise in the working of wood. The rest of us poor fishermen will watch in awe."
A flash of anger erupted, "I am the one most qualified to lead here, Simon. After all, I spent over twenty years . . ."
"Yes! Yes, James. We all are aware of that fact. You have reminded us dozens of times. But your status as his brother does not automatically confer upon you competence. You think because you are his brother you should receive special honor. Let me remind you that you are his brother. You are not him . . ."
"I speak for him . . ."
"You speak for no one!" This from Judas Iscariot. "I am the one with the money. I am in charge of that. How it is spent is my doing. If we are going to debate who makes the decisions in this group, you would do well to bear that in mind."
"True enough," spoke Thaddeaus wearily, "Judas should be second in command. The one with all the money should definitely be in charge." And so it went. Back and forth, each arguing on behalf of himself or another as to which amongst the group was to lead the rest.
Jesus had been walking contemplatively by himself several paces behind. His concentration was disturbed by the raised voices, and when he saw all of the jawboning and gesticulating, he made to catch up with us.
He spoke with some irritation. He seemed to know what was going on before he asked questions. "So, what is the big disagreement? I would think your mouths would be too filled with the dust of the road to haggle like a flock of crows." They scowled at each other and muttered reluctant acquiescence as children do when required by a parent to stop a fight. Even our respect for Jesus could be clouded when our self-assurance became inflated.
Once it was learned that Jesus was traveling through, crowds of varying sizes followed. This day was no exception. Among these stood a mother and a little boy watching the passing of our entourage. Jesus stopped and spoke to the woman quietly. He took the boy by the hand, led him over to us. Sitting down on a cedar log, he placed his hand on the boy's shoulder and said to us, "Look, my self-absorbed disciples! Look and learn! You must stop this adolescent foolishness of elevating yourselves one above the other." He then picked up the boy, who immediately gave Jesus a huge giggling hug around the neck. Jesus tossed the little man up in the air several times, and by this time both of them were laughing and enjoying each other. Other children playing nearby observed the fun and came to join them. Several of the disciples tried to stop them. When Jesus saw this, he became indignant. He said, "What is the matter with you men!? Get out of the way and let the children come to me. The kingdom of God belongs to kids like these." We were arrested. "Let me tell you something," he continued, "anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like one of these children will never enter it. I wish to God my Father that you men were like them! Perhaps you would be at each other less. "Who do you think is greater in God's kingdom? Did you see this boy come to me with no reserve, no expectations, just innocent, simple trust? Let me be clear; whoever humbles himself as this child is the greatest in heaven. Welcome the little ones in my name and you will please the Father. "If anyone causes one of these 'little children' who believe in me to stumble or fall, it would be better for him to be taken out to sea, have a large millstone tied to his neck and thrown overboard. Never look down on one of these little ones. Instead, observe them, and become like them. For I tell you that their angels are in constant communication with my Father in heaven. They are not unrepresented." It was a long night, that night. Each man with his own thoughts about what Jesus had said. Each man troubled, disturbed by the internal struggle with his own ego, his pride, even his "manhood." Where did this fit? Humility! An extremely difficult thing to grasp! This was not the first, nor would it be the last time this issue concerned the apostles. Repeatedly, Jesus reminded us that humility, not status'even if we had status'is one of the chief traits of those he has chosen to follow him. Incredibly, after he was gone, the twelve ignored these warnings. As did Paul. As did James. As did they all. Because of this, the first seeds of ecclesiasticism began to take root. Derived from Hebrew tradition, bishops, elders and deacons were "ordained." Status and licensure became the measure of competence and authority, disregarding humility and service. And, in accepting this, they lost the sweet, simple innocence of relationship with him and with each other. It was to become, after the death of Jesus, one the most insidious spiritual diseases of his followers.
No doubt, owing to the previous night's uncomfortable discussion, John ventured, "Teacher, we saw a man exorcising evil spirits in your name and we ordered him to stop." "And exactly why did you do that?" There was rebuke in the question. John, embarrassed, tried to save face, "Well, Master," he said, in a pubescent tone, "He was not one of us!" Jesus smiled. "Yes. Of course. How easy it is for me to ignore the obvious." John braced himself. He knew what was coming. "John, you of all people should know better. That was a serious mistake. Surely you must realize that it is difficult for one who does miracles through my name to oppose me or reject my teachings. I have said that whoever is not with us is against us. Similarly, whoever is not against us is for us. Did he stop?" "Well, yes. I guess he recognized us as apostles." Jesus shook his head in sad disgust. "Already you are beginning to be full of yourselves. How many times have I asked you to humble yourselves as a little child? How many times must I ask you not to lord it over others? When I am gone, the Holy Spirit will come and raise up a great church in my name. But you will cripple and corrupt it. You will corrupt it with your persistent lust for 'apostolic' authority and recognition. You will be no different than the Pharisees who lay heavy burdens on the people and yet would not lift a finger to help. The only way others will truly know that you follow me is when you love as I have loved you, not when you build an institution."
Then Jesus raised his voice, "I am disheartened by the lack of humility and love you show one another. Despite your hardness of heart and insufferable self-importance, the Father loves you and listens to your cries and the pain in your hearts. If only you could agree and be harmonious with one another! Do you not realize that if two of you shall agree on earth concerning anything you ask, the Father will see to it that it is done? And do you not further realize that when even just two or three of you get together in my name, I'll be there with you?" Peter was upset. Later, no doubt concerned as to how he should now respond to this whole uncomfortable scene, he came to Jesus alone and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "Peter, you miss the point of forgiveness. What if you did forgive him seven times and he wronged you again? What happens then? To carry rancor against your brother, not to forgive him in your heart, is to carry a heavy and unnecessary burden and to invite the crippling disease of bitterness. Because of this you must always forgive. Besides, among men, the one forgiving is even more blessed than the one forgiven. "Forgiveness is at the heart of heaven. When you withhold forgiveness, you bring destruction upon yourself in addition to whatever suffering you inflict on another. My Father has forgiven all your debts to him, all your sins against him, so how can you do less than forgive your brother from your heart? "Therefore search your heart and if you find you are withholding forgiveness, then be quick and certain to forgive. Only then will you be able to be free and clean yourself and reap the benefits of God's forgiveness." Peter asked nothing further. I don't know if Jesus' answer to his question satisfied him or not. He never spoke of it again. I was comforted, however. I had much to forgive and, no doubt, much for which to be forgiven. Jesus' presence with me was strong wine. I felt warmed and affirmed as he spoke.
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